Trigger Warning: It’s a lovey-dovey post.

Growing up I was really back and forth on if the married and family life was for me. Like most young adults in the US, I felt the effects of high divorce rates in generations' past. Witnessing that level of dysfunction honestly had me cool on the whole concept for a while. And believe me the hook-up culture and situationship-laced reality of today by no means created a brighter outlook. So what was a young Black woman to do?

In my case, I focused on the somewhat controllable—the grind. As a teen, Jesus and reality TV was all I needed. Once I graduated high school it was mission critical to secure the degrees, secure the bag. (Boy, oh boy, that’s a gag. Post for another time.). That’s really what people around me were coaching me to do. Stay young and unattached so I can move full steam into my dreams. And that’s what I did. I did the school thing, began my career, started traveling and brunching it up. I got comfortable answering to just myself, my God and my bank account.

Now, there was some scorn and bitterness along the way. I mean, in my mind I was a reasonably successful woman. As folks who knew me would say, ”Guys should be lined up and falling at your feet.“ WRONG! They weren’t. Phone was dry; DMs deserted. I digress. And after the last ordeal of having my time wasted, I walled up and it was the best decision. I needed to work on me. Hype myself up again. Be content in being alone with myself. It wasn’t until I arrived at that contentment, I could intentionally and carefully open my heart back up. It was seeing a partner/companion as someone who adds value to my whole life, but wasn’t my whole life.

When I started dating my now Boo-Thang, my mental about it was so different than before. I was excited, but I wasn’t obsessing and stressing about every little thing like before. I didn’t overthink it because if it didn’t work out being single again didn’t feel like a failure because that life was still lit—and Hot Girl Summer was approaching. I had gotten clear about the type of things that didn’t serve me in a relationship (romantic or not), and was fine with standing on it. Thankfully, I found someone who had also become super comfortable with their authentic self and presented that to me from day one.

What’s even crazier, he was saying and doing the things that I desired from the reflections of my time alone without me ever prompting them. He was slowly ticking things off my realistic and internalized list in the required and optional categories. Also, going into this more centered allowed for the most open communication I’ve ever had in this type of relationship. That’s what self-work and healing looks like. No games, no BS. You rocking with me or nah? Are we still learning each other and growing together? For sure! The difference is it’s not forced or one-sided. It truly feels like a partnership, and that’s the core of what I want. If any of this resonated with you, here’s a few things I recommend to prepare your mind to go from “Nice for What” to “Best Part”:

Spend some time single and not dating/entangled/fill in the blank by choice.
Learn the vibes you need around to be your best self whether it’s romantic or not.
Figure out if you actually want a relationship or if it’s the pressure from around you.
Get out the house. Unless, you only want a boo who does food delivery (no shade).
Entertain in-person conversations with anyone. (So helpful to build openness and confidence.)
Work on what you bring. It’s hard to ask for what you don’t even have together.
Speak a healthy relationship over your life when you’re truly ready.
Set a clear intention for the value you want a partner to add.
Appreciate all the ways your friends already show up for you. (If they don’t, start there.)
Plan out what happens if the partner never comes and reach a level of self-acceptance.

Last but certainly not least, if you loved these photos all credit goes to this week’s #BrittBuysBlack spotlight, SnapsxStyles Photography! Brittany Marcus a.k.a. BSquared and I have been friends since undergrad and she’s truly honing her craft as a photographer to add to her existing media services portfolio. If you’re in the Central Indiana area, get with her swiftly!